How to Stay Safe in Gay Sex Kinks

Many gay people get bored in the bedroom and seek kinky ways to spice things up. However, trying new kinky stuff can be dangerous if not done properly.

The place you come from when playing BDSM has a massive impact on your level of safety, respect and enjoyment of the experience.

Know Your Limits

As BDSM is becoming more accepted in society, it is easier for people to admit their kinks and explore them. However, there is a risk of injury or discomfort that can be triggered if you play too hard or with someone who doesn’t take your limits seriously.

That’s why it’s important to discover your BDSM limits and communicate them clearly with anyone you play with, especially those who are newer to the scene. This is generally part of a negotiation process and can include anything from specific tools or objects that are not allowed (for example, rope bondage might be out, but leather cuffs are okay) to whether you want impact play with paddles or not.

If you have a safe word in place, that can be helpful as well, Stewart says. Or you can come up with a safety gesture, such as tapping out of play, that both parties agree on ahead of time. This can be especially helpful when a person is deaf or hard of hearing, gagged, or in a mental space where they do not feel comfortable speaking.

Know Your Partner’s Limits

There are many different kinks and sexual fantasies that can be explored through BDSM. But it’s important for people to know their own limits and communicate them to their partners.

This is called negotiation and it’s a key part of most BDSM scenes. It can be done verbally or with a contract, but either way, it’s essential to keeping everyone safe.

It’s also helpful to have a “safe word” in place, which is a signal that the scene should end. This can help people who are deaf or hard of hearing, who might be gagged, or who might not be in a mental space where they feel comfortable speaking, according to Astroglide’s resident sexologist, Marla Renee Stewart.

Having a safe word or gesture is especially useful for kinks that involve pain-pleasure. The pleasure of pushing past your comfort zone can be exhilarating, but it can also be dangerous if you’re not in control of your movements or emotions. This is why having a safety measure in place is essential, regardless of the type of play you’re enjoying.

Know Yourself

The kinky community is very diverse, with people from all walks of life into a huge range of experiences. It’s important to know yourself and what you are into before starting to play.

For example, some people enjoy being both dominant and submissive in BDSM. It’s also possible to be monogamous and still explore BDSM.

Educating ourselves about these different ways to engage in BDSM can help us stay safe and avoid harm. It is also helpful to know the biology behind why certain experiences might be pleasurable (e.g., the endorphin rush of heavy sensation or the relaxation effect of surrender).

It’s essential to have a discussion with whomever you are going to be playing with about what you both want out of your experience and establish clear boundaries and safety zones before getting started. It might be useful to decide on a safeword you can use to check in with each other during play (“green” means go ahead, “yellow” means slow down, and “red” means stop). It’s also worth considering having regular tests for STIs like HIV and Hepatitis B, C and D as part of your gay safe sex practices.

Know Your Partner’s Body

If you’re in a relationship, you and your partner can explore gay kinks together, but the same safety precautions apply: meeting in a neutral public place, practicing scenes safely in a private place first, always using a safe word (like “hug”) to stop if necessary, making sure that you and your partner are both comfortable in the roles of Dom and sub. If you’re not in a relationship, having a clear communication system in place is important as well – and it’s even more vital to know your partner’s body!

In restraint play, it’s important to keep in mind that while inflicting pain may feel good at the time, long-term damage and injury is not considered a part of kink by the international kink community. Knowing your partner’s limits, having a safe word to use, and keeping release options close by like EMT scissors or bolt cutters to cut ropes quickly are all key for safer scene play. You can also try experimenting with a “green-yellow-red” system, similar to traffic lights, so that both of you have an easy way to communicate during BDSM if things get too intense.

Know Your Partner’s Mind

As BDSM becomes more accepted, people are more open about their sexual fantasies and fetishes. Sometimes, those fantasies may be different from your own. It’s important to communicate with your partner before engaging in any sexual activities about how their kinks turn them on and off. If their fetish makes you uncomfortable, it’s important to be honest but not judgmental. For example, if their fetish involves role-playing rape, you should explain that this is not something you’re interested in.

You also need to discuss any hard boundaries and ways you can communicate during sex, such as setting up a safe word that signals you’re ready to stop. Some partners choose to use a green-yellow-red system, where they check in with each other by saying “green” for the next step, “yellow” to slow down, and “red” to stop completely.

Keep in mind that BDSM is a safe and fun way to explore your fantasies with someone you trust. The most important thing is to remember that the majority of play in the kink community is based on consent and your safety.